Teli isn’t just a catchy handle— it’s an apostolic-grade pedigree:

• Teli: Short for Telestial. Because while the Celestial Kingdom has the planets, the wives, and the strict dress code, the Telestial Kingdom has the better music, the very best company, and significantly fewer 7:00 AM meetings.

• C: For Curelom. A nod to those "useful animals" mentioned in the Book of Mormon that nobody can quite identify. Teli identifies as "useful," mostly for cheeky merch, dancing with flags, and looking extra majestic in Salt Flat sunsets.

• Tapir: Because if the apologists say he’s a horse, who are we to argue?

Teli C. Tapir was "called" to serve as the face of Gob’s Gifts after his own shelf finally gave way under the weight of all those anachronisms. Now, instead of guarding ancient records or pulling chariots into battles that didn't happen, he spends his days scouting the desert for the best ex-Mo gear on the planet.

He’s a fan of:

• Uncorrelated Curiosities: Items that definitely didn't make it into the Ensign centerfold.

• The "Second Saturday" Lifestyle: He’s never met a brunch he didn't like.

• Authentic History: He prefers his coffee black and his facts transparent.

A Message from Teli:

"I may have a prehensile snout and a questionable classification in ancient American taxonomies, but my commitment to your post-Mormon joy is 100% horse-powered.

Whether you’re deconstructing, reconstructing, or just here for the snacks, I’m honored to be your trusty curelom on this journey."